DORMAN: My car? It is the economy
While Congress dawdles, my car is bravely stimulating the economy.I thought I was driving a 1996 Honda with 230,000 miles. But really, it’s a 2009 Stimulator. A few weeks ago, it pumped the cost of new plugs and plug wires and diagnostics and labor into the ailing automotive repair and parts sector. Analysts hailed the move. The Dow rallied and#8212; briefly. Maybe you missed it. Then, a week or so later, my car delivered another critical influx of capital in the form of a replacement front tire, a brand new battery and other assorted parts. This targeted outlay delivered much-needed cash to the slumping credit market, a Bank of America Visa card to be exact. My car’s generosity nearly brought me to tears. Sometimes, it cares too much.My car is also an environmentalist. Last spring, it decided that air conditioning is one fancy planet-killing comfort I can do without. Going green also stimulated the economy. For instance, I get haircuts more frequently. When you drive around with all your windows down and your sunroof open, you’d better have short hair. Otherwise you show up everywhere looking like you’ve been electrocuted. My car knew I would not spend several hundred dollars to bring the cool back. It knows lots of things.It knows I spend too much of my money on high-priced coffee at the Starbucks drive-through on my way to work. It also knows that although I’m trying to lose weight, I can’t help grabbing a quick burger or four occasionally. That’s why my car recently stopped allowing me to roll down the driver’s side window more than a few inches. I now bring my coffee from home. And I’ve been packing my lunch, with apples and fiber bars. Happy now, car?My car also knows that I get easily distracted. So when the battery recently went dead, my car triggered its anti-theft device. That, in turn, disabled the radio. I can turn the radio back on by entering a secret code, which is written on a card. But where is that card?The last time I saw it, I was still single. My car was almost new. Things sure have changed. And I have lots of time to think of all those changes on my silent drives to and from work. When spring comes, I’ll hear other car stereos through my open windows. Or I can take my car to a dealership to see if someone can turn on the radio. More economic stimulus.I appreciate all my car has done. But my darker side thinks it’s actually revenge. I don’t wash my car very often, and rarely clean out the trash. I’m the sort of owner a car could grow to hate over the course of 230,000 miles. So I’d like to say I’m really sorry, car. I’d also like someone to make me an offer.
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